i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
