Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
