I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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