If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
