I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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