You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
