You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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