I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
