Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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