you turned your livingroom into a bong?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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