Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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