Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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