We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
