If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
