How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
