Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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