so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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