I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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