there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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