A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
