I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
