I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
