I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
