dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
