Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Green mimosas i think yes
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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