I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
