i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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