i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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