I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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