So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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