Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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