i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
