Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
True strength comes from lack of pants
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
