The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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