A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just googled if crying burns calories
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
