At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
