It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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