I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
