I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
