Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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