dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
