I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Randomize
