I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
