Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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