did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
wow bdsm is so cute
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
