Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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