I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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