Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
