i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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