seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
handjob tips. give me some.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Less talking, more tequila
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
