someone owes me an orgasm
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
